Much Afraid, Now Acceptance with Joy

A few months back I finished reading Hinds Feet in High Places. The day I picked up the book, I thought to myself "This is going to get me to Ireland!" For some reason I thought an allegorical tale, meant to illustrate and articulate the nature of God as our Good Shepherd in a fancy way, was my ticket across the Atlantic. That should have been my first red flag. I laugh, now, at those thoughts. Not in a judgemental, "holier-than-thou" attitude, but more from the perspective of "joke's on you Paige! God has something more for you and He is a way better author than you are."

My favorite part of the story is the end. During Much Afraid's long journey, she's longing so much for transformation. That transformation, she doesn't realize at the time, is happening during her long journey partnered with Sorrow and Suffering. The transformation she's longing for is finalized at the end of the story and it is beautiful.She is physically perfected, and she's given a new name! Acceptance with Joy.

When I picked up this tale, I thought I was in control of even my spiritual formation (might even say especially my spiritual formation) and that it would come from a book I chose to read, and not the power of God?! How false I was.

My second favorite part of this story are the many alter scenes, the burning away of Much Afraid's trust in herself. There were several times Much Afraid had to let go of something of her own and watch it be burnt up. The small sacrifice was not without a cost of pain each time, but she let them all go one by one. And each time, although she thought she was going to die quite the opposite was true. She found that she was given a new understanding and trust in the Good Shepherd that freed her!


Did finishing the book get me Ireland? No. Did finishing the book get me to more of Jesus? Yes. Were my hopes and affections misplaced? Yes, absolutely. My understanding convoluted? Yes.*

Similarly, to Much Afraid, I long for the High Places and I too survey what is before me etching out a pathway of my own up the mountain all the while forgetting that I've set out to follow the Good Shepherd who knows the way.  I didn't realize that God, in reading about Much Afraid dying to herself, was beginning to soften my heart, yet again, to receive more of Him; more of the Gospel before a crucial time in my life. For it is about following and obeying the path set before me, rather than striking out my own based on my own understanding of the terrain.

You see, I thought going to Ireland for overseas missions would be my transformer. As I lay down my pen and push aside the narrative I was writing, I begin to see the words on the page already written, for me. I am becoming Acceptance with Joy through journeys of sorrow and suffering. Without Sorrow and Suffering right by her side Much Afraid could not have made it at all to the High Places.


*Hinds Feet on High Places is not a inspired word of God, merely a tool or fictional supplement much like Pilgrim's Progress to illustrate the life of one who sets out to respond to the call of God on their life: to follow Him. Clarity on the misplaced affections of my heart came from reading God's word, "living and active, sharper than any two edged sword".

Thoughtful Thursday...

Occasionally, I like to get online and read about what is going on in the world. Yesterday, was one of those days. I've been thrown into a spiraling thought process since then. I attempt to hash them out here:

As I scanned the headlines of BBC News, Ireland's mention quickly caught my attention. I then searched online for the Irish Times to find this article. Oh, the many layers of morality, ethics, politics, and religion tangled and mixed up in this tragic event. What's right, what's wrong?

I don't quite know what to think or say about this, except that I'm saddened by it. I am at a loss for the correct words to express my thoughts. At first I only know my emotion, then the deluge of questions. 

How rare is an even like this is? And, for it to happen in such a country as Ireland, in the Republic no less? A country already marked by and surviving through a tangled web morality, religion, and government.

There is something inside of me crying "Injustice! There is something that should have been done!" An attitude of being entitled to life. Truth: we're not. "Why couldn't they do this or that to save them both even?" It is death that I am crying out against. It is death that I, and others involved with this story now, am enraged by. Death.  

The law established in Ireland is to never impose death upon another, regardless of how far developed he or she is, and yet in keeping this law, a law with life-giving intention, not one; but two lives ended. The contradiction here is perplexing and overwhelming. 

Who are we, the created, to say who may live or die? Such a decision, or choice, seems much to large and overwhelming for us, the created. Shoes much too big to fill.  

It is natural to be enraged by death, to hate it. It's in our very being to desire life. We were created with such a desire and it's meant to be fulfilled...

My initials thoughts and emotions have faded, the dust is beginning to settle. As it lands, I'm questioning the media: Is this story now being cast in a particular light? Is this being blasted all over the news to stir the rallies? To push for a more "modern" rule? 

Either way, I'm saddened by this, and praying for Ireland.  

Rest...

ndeed, the past two to three days have been trying and tiring. I'm not great at making big decisions for myself. I labor over them, fret, pray, and evaluate all foreseeable options or solutions. I'm like a crock pot it seems. So imagine someone like me making a decision for another human being, one who under normal circumstances would have the ability to make it for themselves, in a matter of hours... Phew, it's made me tired. This short storm, for the moment has calmed. All I want to do is sit on my couch in my comfy fleece pants and a sweatshirt. I would not say no to a hearty bowl of chocolate ice cream either... Life goes on though, and I have a job to do, work to finish for the day. So, I'm taking this moment to decompress a little bit, exhale some. Then the Lord brings the following hymn to mind, and as I read through all of the lyrics, because I can't remember it all verbatim. Tears come to my eyes, and I'm so thankful for this sweet reminder, this sweet truth:

 Psalm 62

"My soul finds rest in God alone, My Rock and my salvation, A fortress strong against my foes, And I will not be shaken. Though lips may bless and hearts may curse, And lies like arrows pierce me, I’ll fix my heart on righteousness, I’ll look to Him who hears me.

O praise Him, hallelujah, My Delight and my Reward; Everlasting, never failing, My Redeemer, my God.

Find rest, my soul, in God alone Amid the world’s temptations; When evil seeks to take a hold I’ll cling to my salvation. Though riches come and riches go, Don’t set your heart upon them; The fields of hope in which I sow Are harvested in heaven.

O praise Him, hallelujah, My Delight and my Reward; Everlasting, never failing, My Redeemer, my God.

I’ll set my gaze on God alone, And trust in Him completely; With every day pour out my soul, And He will prove His mercy. Though life is but a fleeting breath, A sigh too brief to measure, My King has crushed the curse of death And I am His forever.

O praise Him, hallelujah, My Delight and my Reward; Everlasting, never failing, My Redeemer, my God."

I still want some chocolate :) but I can set my gaze on God alone, and trust in Him completely...O praise Him, Hallelujah.

Experimenting...

opying and pasting - enhancing the blog! This is so cool. I'm probably a little behind the times with this, but I've found it now :) Thanks to Jessica Hische at Daily Drop Cap!

And the beat goes on...

Welp, as usual, it's been a few months :)

I don't mind posting every few months. The gaps allow time for life and living, and more to blog about!

In reading over my previous entry, I'm surprised by how ironically relevant my thoughts and words were for the weeks following that post. And I marveled at how I little I knew then about living in bittersweet.

During the time of my previous post, on the bittersweet-ness of life, I was wrestling through the joy and excitement of heading off to Ireland :) for a 12day excursion - 1 part mission trip & 1 part vision trip - and the sadness of  leaving my family during a concerning time. Days before I was to leave for Ireland my grandfather had a very sudden massive stroke. Prognosis was not positive, at all. And just a few short weeks before all of this, a new really fun dating relationship had abruptly ended and was still working through that. That was a little bit of sadness, but of a different kind.

Little did I know during the coming weeks, the bitterness would increase while the sweetness decreased, and I would find myself exhausted, tired, frustrated - SPENT - internally screaming, "Stop with the chaos already! I'm done, I can't take it!"

My grandfather passed away during my last day in Ireland. I came home just in time to attend his funeral. It happened to be the same weekend of a good friend's wedding. I originally thought I'd be coming home to attend and participate in the wedding, however, that was obviously not so. Not only did I come home with sad and heavy heart, the AC was broken in my house, and my Jeep at the same time suddenly needed a new alternator, as evidenced by not cranking after being jumped, and the Auto Zone alternator test! 

The Monday & Tuesday following the funeral, only held a bit more stress. On Monday, my roommate and I learn we have 7 weeks to find a new dwelling place - the homeowners decided to put the house on the market. Here comes move #4 since May of 2009. It's 2012 people - do the math. I'm becoming a professional mover! Yahoo for singleness; Yahoo for renting - not! Tuesday held for me more stress of the familial kind as began to deal with some issues concerning another family member's health/well being.

Now, how is there much sweet in all this, you may wonder. It sounds kind of crazy, right?

The Dating Halt
     Bitterness: confusion, end of fun, feeling rejection, loss of a friend (in a way but not a total loss prob.)
    Sweetness: well, more free time to raise support for Ireland, seeing God's provision like crazy, no more worries/wonders about "where it's going"

Trip to Ireland
     Bitterness: leaving my family during a hard time, sadness over my grandfather's health, saying goodbye,
     Sweetness: hearing the stories of other folks' lives/suffering through loss and how they still praise and worship God, walking in Dublin, fish & chips, new friends, adventure.

The Funeral
      Bitterness: the loss, the sadness, trying to explain/understand death
     Sweetness: celebration of a beautiful life! learning more about my family & my grandfather, going through it with them, seeing what a blessing family is and praising God for them, hoping in the promises of God - finding strength there.

The Move:
     Bitterness: bad timing (didn't want it to happen necessarily), not being neighbors with great friends, stress of looking for a new place, another reminder of an 'unsettled' lifestyle, planning a move, 
     Sweetness: seeing God's faithfulness through providing so many things - a new place, friends to help, meeting my needs

Moral of the story: Life and circumstance will always be changing, and will never fail to disappoint or cause pain. But God never will...so let the bittersweet continue. By Him I press on; in Him I will - very much humbled. 

Never Ready

One verse that has been a grounding verse for me during these current post-grad years of life is a line from Psalm 139, "you know all of my days, every one of them, even as yet there were none". The idea, and fact, that God knows all of my days even as yet there were none of them is so mind boggling to me. I think of this less during the seasons of life where I'm so full of joy and excitement I could just burst; seasons of elation. It's the seasons of life when I feel as if I truly am busting and breaking into pieces, seasons of sorrow, that I think of this truth more, nudged to remember who is in control - saved, but not without lots of questions.

The questions I'm learning may not all be answered - this I am learning is OK. Things just happen, life just happens - from my perspective anyway.

Life for me right now could not be more bittersweet. In fact that's the only way I have been tasting it lately. Perhaps, this is why I love strong coffee more and more, and my addiction to dark chocolate is sometimes consuming. I am learning to love bittersweet. I am seeing that life on this side of heaven will always be bittersweet. That strange and sometimes unbearable tension between the "already, but not yet" makes everything bittersweet, like a longing only half-way fulfilled or the beauty in the sky as the sun busts up the scene of a dark, strong summer storm creating the glimmer of a rainbow, a symbol of peace and promise against an ominous background. 

I don't understand how and why things for me now need to be so bittersweet but I'm starting to find a groove here. I'm starting to embrace and survive this. I learning that crossing that oh so fine line between laughing and crying is okay. Joy within sorrow, laughter amid pain. I know this right now; I'm living this right now. I am surviving this right now and I am OK. There is something rich along this fine line. The richness makes me thankful. It makes enduring the sorrows and eating up the joys worthwhile. I'm also learning I'm never ready for either one.

The completion of the "already" makes living in the "not yet" a bit more bearable - hope for tomorrow and strength for today.

Oh, Mr. Lewis: how you inspire & encourage

“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

I love a good quote. I love a good word. I love a good thought.

I hate when those good thoughts and good words just stay in my head though. I want them to move to my heart, then cause my hands and feet to move.

I don't want to miss my holiday at the sea.

Psalm 16:11 Psalm 66:13-20