Never Ready

One verse that has been a grounding verse for me during these current post-grad years of life is a line from Psalm 139, "you know all of my days, every one of them, even as yet there were none". The idea, and fact, that God knows all of my days even as yet there were none of them is so mind boggling to me. I think of this less during the seasons of life where I'm so full of joy and excitement I could just burst; seasons of elation. It's the seasons of life when I feel as if I truly am busting and breaking into pieces, seasons of sorrow, that I think of this truth more, nudged to remember who is in control - saved, but not without lots of questions.

The questions I'm learning may not all be answered - this I am learning is OK. Things just happen, life just happens - from my perspective anyway.

Life for me right now could not be more bittersweet. In fact that's the only way I have been tasting it lately. Perhaps, this is why I love strong coffee more and more, and my addiction to dark chocolate is sometimes consuming. I am learning to love bittersweet. I am seeing that life on this side of heaven will always be bittersweet. That strange and sometimes unbearable tension between the "already, but not yet" makes everything bittersweet, like a longing only half-way fulfilled or the beauty in the sky as the sun busts up the scene of a dark, strong summer storm creating the glimmer of a rainbow, a symbol of peace and promise against an ominous background. 

I don't understand how and why things for me now need to be so bittersweet but I'm starting to find a groove here. I'm starting to embrace and survive this. I learning that crossing that oh so fine line between laughing and crying is okay. Joy within sorrow, laughter amid pain. I know this right now; I'm living this right now. I am surviving this right now and I am OK. There is something rich along this fine line. The richness makes me thankful. It makes enduring the sorrows and eating up the joys worthwhile. I'm also learning I'm never ready for either one.

The completion of the "already" makes living in the "not yet" a bit more bearable - hope for tomorrow and strength for today.

Oh, Mr. Lewis: how you inspire & encourage

“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

I love a good quote. I love a good word. I love a good thought.

I hate when those good thoughts and good words just stay in my head though. I want them to move to my heart, then cause my hands and feet to move.

I don't want to miss my holiday at the sea.

Psalm 16:11 Psalm 66:13-20

Dreams and M&Ms

Hello all - I'm sticking with my consistently inconsistent blogging habits to post tidbits of my latest thoughts and ponderings. Please enjoy:

The Big M's

As a single lady, now in my mid-twenties, I've discovered the development of a possible fork in the road that might also be present in the lives of other young Christian women my age: Missions & Marriage.

I am not by any means expecting a freshly glittered and weighted left hand, however, I realize now it's not quite as far off as I once thought. Nor is the opportunity for a life of mission; a life devoted to being laid down and poured out for the sake of the gospel.

At first glance, one may easily assume the second M, that is Missions, is more glorious, more approved and praised by God. But upon looking deeper into the heart of each M they essentially are one in the same, though the practicals may be extremely different.

Bear with me as I process this a bit out loud...

Are we not to live our lives doing all we can for the Glory of God? 

(Col. 3:23) yes...we are.

So then, what is the difference in serving God by loving and serving your husband/family? 

Or serving God by serving and loving the lost?

Serving/loving your husband is less, practically, evangelical. I doubt going around shouting Romans 6:23 to your husband each day while drawing the bridge diagram on every free space in the house encourages love and affection, ha! 

However, do I not need to hear the gospel each day? To be reminded that I am sinner in need of much grace and forgiveness from the Father each day?

And my husband, equally a sinner, does he not then need to hear it too? 

Yes. 

So perhaps the evangelism occurring in the newlywed home is a bit more subtle, a bit more gentle, and a bit more spoken unto the self so as to serve and love one another more faithfully and genuinely. For how else is one to seek to love unconditionally but to be loved unconditionally, accepting His grace and forgiveness with new mercies each day, each moment.

This aspect of Gospel living, in my mind, seems slower, deeper, and more steady.

The other M, Missions, obviously, at first thought seems adventurous,exciting, pioneer-like. Being on the front lines of anything, it seems, means the highs are so high and the lows are so low; the risks are much more risky but the rewards so much more rewarding. It seems there might be more to lose as a single woman serving in missions, in any capacity - Overseas, Stateside, Part-time, Full-time, volunteer, what have you. Your 'husband' is the Lord and your children? Well, you are a spiritual mother. Your children are not your own biologically per-say. Your time is spent for the spiritual nurturing of those around you and, yes, the self-gospel preaching still happens, but the outward gospel preaching seems like it would be more frequent as it would be your 'job'. But do you really have more to lose? Perhaps I'm thinking it seems like there is more to sacrifice? But is it really more of a sacrifice? I know plenty of mothers faithfully serving God by serving their husbands who sacrifice a TON!

Personally...I know nothing of being married, nor much about being in a serious relationship. And I'm certainly not an expert in ministry, ha! However, from what I do know and understand of both I think I would like for the two M's to mesh. I would like for them to be intertwined and mingled in together, becoming and growing harder to separate and distinguish as time goes on. I would like to know the slower steadiness of learning grace through a marriage to a godly man who loves and serves the lost; and me, his helpmate serving right alongside of him - encouraging, assisting, serving, loving and eventually/hopefully/maybe rearing children in the ways of the Lord to follow after their father...

Currently, I believe these are sweet dreams and hopes to lay at the feet of Jesus who holds all things together.

Any and all thoughts on this will be greatly appreciated as well as a joy to read and discuss! =)

The Cold

Forgive me of my failures to blog consistently. And...forgive me for using this reunion post to do nothing short of complain, whine, vent my general frustrations with: the common cold, which for me eventually morphs into an awesome sinus infection.

I can put a tally up for having at least two of these sarcastically wonderful experiences within less than 3 months...wwwhy? =(

One week this one has lasted. Monday I was laid flat out; in bed til 12pm and catching a 40min nap, oh, around 5pm. Tuesday...again could barely get up in the AM however, I managed to push my self out of bed and make it to work, only a mere two hours late...

Wednesday and Thursday follow Monday and Tuesday as an alternating, up & down coaster ride of feeling great then feeling not-so-great.

Today, Friday, I'm feeling spent. My voice - well, you cold liken it to a 60 year old smoker's rasp. As I attempt to speak to others at the office, occasional words seem to just fall away making my sentences more like a game of fill-in-the-blank rather than a contribution to conversation....sigh, I do not enjoy this...I've waved my little white flag to this larynx seizing cold by just tapping out of verbal interaction....praying the phone does not ring during the lunch break of phone girl #1, in which case I become phone girl #1.

Why not go see Mr. Doctor you ask? My answer, plain and simple, stubbornness. Besides I wouldn't have anything to blog about today, on the this doing-nothing-day in the office, right? Ah, sigh, there is some redemption to being in this cross fire of internal germ warfare. I'll suffer through to contentment today, with each application of chapstick to the nostrils, and secret tissue nose plugs stopping the 'drainage'.

Reigning Blessing from Above

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." - James 1:17

News update:

My roommate is engaged! Ali Douglas will soon be Mrs. Andrew Hawkins =) So sweet.

I went to my first engagement party last night and it was great. So many folks came to celebrate and what a celebration it was as they recounted the proposal story.

And, this morning at around 4:50AM little Sophie Magdalene Lightcap was born - solid 8lbs 14oz. She is my new neighbor and soon to be friend!

Can't wait to meet her.

Just another Manic Monday

My apologies for a blogging delay of about hmm...7 months!

I'm pregnant!

Just kidding...terrible joke.

Although several of my close friends, and even family, are currently with child. I am not. I am single. Annd, do not endorse premarital activities that might have the potential of any kind baby making...nor do I practice them...ehmm, just to clear the air =)

Great news, with no intention of patronizing or insincerity despite the lengthy gap in updates, but Matt Hill was found - safe and sound! Found in Asheville, NC not long after being reported missing. Great news. And great illustration of relentless love and pursuit by God for His people. He will leave the 99 to seek the 1.

Although, reasons are unknown to me as to why he went missing, all is well now. That is all I need to know.

How about a quick update on my life perhaps?

Indeed 'tis a Manic Monday for me. Christmas is in two weeks and I've bought 3 presents - all of which where for my friends - and my mom's family Christmas is this weekend! double eek!

However, I shall not fret, because 1) I am crafty, creative, and resourceful in a pinch 2) I am also thrifty and frugal in a pinch and 3) God is good and does provide for all things.

So, when as the Christmas gift crunch is beginning to squish me I am fighting for Joy, letting, and more often than not making my quaking, feeble heart rest in Truth. The heart of Christmas!

Missing: Matt Hill

What's up folks:

So, if you have been watching the news in Charlotte and DC or following probably anyone with Campus Outreach on Twitter or are friends with anyone from NC, SC or DC on Facebook then you have probably heard about the search for Matt Hill. Matt Hill is on staff with Campus Outreach in Washington D.C. This is the first year for this branch of CO - ministering and evangelizing on the campuses in the DC area. What an adventure is must be to be apart of the launch team of an organization that is all about people hearing, knowing, and living the gospel - especially in such an influential city, our nation's capital.

On Tuesday morning Matt Hill went missing... Missing: Matt Hill The word about him being missing is getting out and from Twitter it seems that progress is being made as far as finding/getting very needed information.

What's the connection to me and you?

I know his brother. His brother is on staff with CO Greenville. And if you are believer, Matt is your brother in Christ - how sweet that is, that we could be tied together by Christ!

My heart has been burdened for him and by this whole situation since I first heard of it. Please pray. The FBI is saying this is a critical missing person case. Pray for the Lord to be the strength of his family and friends at this time. Pray that God would have mercy to let us know where he is/may be - that he may be found! Pray for God's glory to be shining through this difficult time, revealing His character as sovereign and keeper of all things especially his people. Pray that we would see this in light of eternity...suffer through with a heavenly perspective - such a strong, scary, powerful thing that can't be done without God's grace. Pray that if he should not be found, that we would remember the words of Jesus, when he says that no one who is his will ever be plucked from his hand and rejoice in this Eternal Hope when gloomy doubts and despair come knocking on our heart's door.